I want to give up
I have been flat out. Super busy. Head down, bum up. Pushing, pushing, doing, doing and doing some more.
Come up for air? Who the feck has time for that?
No time. No time. I feel like the rabbit in Alice in Wonderland.
Keep going. Just a bit more. The pressure only builds as the time goes on. Where the fuck is that light at the end of that tunnel they talk about? I can’t see it.
Okay then… I’ll keep pushing. And pushing.
Then I’ll push some more as that is all I know. Its easier to push than to take a breather and recognise the work I have done hasn’t even been worth it – I gotta do MORE.
That’s it. That’s the answer. I’ll do even more. Push even more. I can do this. I am strong…I have done it before and I will do it again.
Smiling on the outside and grimacing on the inside. Pretending everything is great. When its fucking not great at all. But I will keep plugging away. Keep going as I will get somewhere. Won’t I?
Whats the point?
Maybe I should walk away right now.
Maybe I should give up right now.
That’s would be easier. Than all this bull-shit. It would be easier to fail. Walk away. Pretend it never happened even.
Why does no-one else feel this way? Can’t they see I am in pain? That I need help? Can’t they see that I am silently screaming for help and know I can’t ask? Can’t they see that it would be a failure to even lift my head to ask for help? Don’t they know how its feels?
My breathing is short. I can feel the anxiety rising in my chest. I can only hear my own internal voice repeating shit I am starting to believe. After all its true isn’t it? It must be if I am saying it inside my head?
You are no good. Why bother, you are crap anyway. You don’t deserve that. You suck. Dream on. Nothing good will ever happen to you. You don’t know anything. No-one wants to listen to you. Just shut up. No-one would notice anyway. No-one cares. Give up.
I know the answer. I will keep just doing/being busy/ignoring it/pushing. That will work, won’t it?
Its not working – I am going around in circles.
Around and around. Same ol’ bloody story. Same shit – different day.
Hang on. Maybe I am not the only one feeling this way? Perhaps I am not as unique as I think I am. Perhaps someone would help if I asked?
No, no… I don’t want to bother anyone with my crap. I wouldn’t want to burden them. They have enough on their plate without me unloading on them.
Okay then. I’ll just keep it to myself and perhaps I will wake up tomorrow and feel differently.
Except I won’t. I don’t.
Round and round in my circle. Flat out. Super busy. Head down, bum up. Pushing, pushing, doing, doing and doing some more.
Same story. Same pattern.