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Lean in.

With Emma Queen

Lean in.

A first I couldn’t recognise the feeling.

A nagging reminder something was wrong.
A sense that I had nearly missed it – the familiarity of it.
Like an old foe tapping at my shoulder.

Tap, tap, tap. Hey! Over here… NOTICE ME!

Yet, I didn’t want to turn my head.
I knew that even if I looked slightly that way, that I would be taken down.

But.
I couldn’t ignore it.
It needed to be noticed.
So, I turned.

Then fell.

The sadness was bone-achingly-deep.
Overwhelming and exhausting.
Like one of those dreams where you tread-water for weeks and don’t get anywhere.
Seemingly never-ending.

Until.

I realised that by denying it. By denying that feeling and trying to ignore it…it just got worse.
So, I told myself that it was ‘welcomed’.

I welcomed the sadness.
I made sure it was comfy.
I made sure it was warm and even offered it a cuppa.
I told someone about it.
I got help.
Then, I understood why I knew it so well. It had been a foe for so long…

I asked my body what it wanted.

It told me that it needed to rest.
Okay, it also did ask for a jam donut. So I ate one (ok, that’s a lie…I ate 6).
It wanted Selfcare 101.
It told me to surrender into the feelings.

To lean into them.

Fuck, that bit was hard.
LEAN?
INTO SADNESS & OVERWHEALM?

No.
No.
No.

But, yes.

Then, seemingly over a fairly short time, I felt lighter.
Like a weight had been lifted.

Self-care 101 still in action.
Boundaries re-established.
Daily movement.
Surrendering into the feelings when they came back.
Talking to someone about the pain.
Getting help.

Emma xx